9.
“One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced is navigating the complexities of intimacy and vulnerability in a long-term relationship. This isn’t your typical story of a stoic man holding back his emotions until he’s numb; instead, it’s about a deep desire for connection with my wife, but I find real challenges in getting it fully reciprocated. First, there’s the common challenge of a lack of physical intimacy in a long-term relationship. In the early years, everything was going well, but then my wife’s libido faded, and that created real emotional pain for me. Physical intimacy—not just sex but all its many forms—is really about creating an emotional connection. It’s about sharing something special with the love of your life that is unique to us and no one else. It’s a way to express love, and it’s a way to know that I’m loved. Without that, life is anemic, a rut that sets me on a path toward the classic Stoic archetype I never wanted to embody.”
“Second, there’s the issue of vulnerability. In previous long-term relationships and in my marriage, the idea of masculinity was always a balancing act to navigate with my partners. My wife wanted me to be vulnerable, but not too vulnerable. To be confident, but not too self-confident. Not falling into that narrow, undefined zone of desirable masculinity was, at times, frustrating and exhausting. It also played into the first point above about intimacy. Finding someone outside that desired zone would make intimacy even more remote. The end result is that marriage feels like a slog, one that can be frustratingly opaque in terms of how to live in happiness with your partner. That tension creates a painful and tragic longing to be able to just be. To be vulnerable, to express love, to be loved, and to feel like I’m standing on solid ground in who I am as a man and a husband.
—52, Vermont