Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Do you have any questions about Care and Feeding? Send it here.
Dear care and feeding,
My daughter (who is a teenager) is starting to eat less and less. A couple of weeks ago she was eating three full meals a day, plus a couple of snacks. Now, she eats a couple of apple slices for breakfast and says she’s not hungry enough to eat more than a small portion of her dinner. At school, he supposedly receives school lunches, but for the past week, I have not received any notifications telling me that he has purchased anything (his school uses an app system that alerts parents if their child(ren) receives something). She rarely eats snacks.
I’m worried about her. Last night I checked her YouTube (she’s half aware that I check her phone). Her watch history is filled with “diet tips” and “weight loss goals.” For reference, she is a healthy weight, but she looks a little chubby because she is very short for her age (although I have never told her anything about this). I’m not sure how to engage her in a conversation about this without making her defensive; All I want to do is help her.
—There is no need to lose weight, she is a teenager
Dear, weight loss is not necessary,
You should talk to your daughter gently about changes in her eating habits and things you’ve found in her search terms. Ask her why she thinks she needs to lose weight; Has anyone said anything to her or is she just comparing herself to other girls? Let her know that it’s okay to want to be healthy, but that she doesn’t need to skip meals or count calories (and remind her that she’s now at a healthy weight and doesn’t need any intervention).
You can Encourage her to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly rather than deprive herself. Talk to her about eating disorders and how dangerous it is for young people to severely restrict themselves when they are still growing and need substantial amounts of food each day. Involve her in meal planning and help her identify tasty foods that will fuel her body without excess salt or sugar, as well as some desserts and snacks to munch on. The Intuitive Eating Guide for Teens features body-positive tips for a healthy relationship with food. Affirm her body and make sure she is exposed to media and books that feature characters of different body types. Make sure you don’t say negative things in front of her about your own or anyone else’s body (and definitely don’t tell her you think she looks “a little chubby”).
If you can’t adjust to eating right instead of just No eating, you should consider taking her to a therapist who treats young people with eating disorders; I’m not saying I have one, but you don’t want to wait until I do to take action.
—Jamilah