“We communicate effectively, we talk about our future with pragmatism.”
It’s time to put this to the test. Be realistic. If you envision a future together where you live together or she moves in with you, you need to be able to talk about your different values around cleanliness very directly.
“I’m also afraid that this could have repercussions on our future life together.”
Okay. You should be very afraid. It’s not a question of whether it “might” affect your life together. You should be afraid that it will be affected absolutely. Do you find it acceptable to live in these conditions every day? She is okay with it.
The parents’ hangout is the LEAST of your concerns. The photos you shared are horrendous. She has obviously normalized living in filthy conditions. The fact that she has no problem bringing you home in that state is a clear red flag that needs to be addressed.
I’m worried that you’d rather feel so uncomfortable that you have to endure staying in a dirty house with a dirty kitchen, stepping out of a dirty shower onto a dirty floor where your feet are covered in hair and dirt, than endure the discomfort of saying that you refuse to stay in his dirty house again.
Be direct with her and explain that you need to have a difficult conversation. Yes, it will be an unpleasant experience, but her ability to have this incredibly difficult conversation is vitally important to the health of the relationship. You can’t tiptoe around this. You can be kind and direct.
“I care deeply about you, but I need you to know that I felt very uncomfortable with the state of your house. I am concerned that you don’t see the problem. You seemed to feel that trying to clean would be pointless based on the reasons you gave when I offered to clean. We need to come to an agreement about cleaning in order to move forward toward living together and sharing a home.”
I wish you the best of luck.”
—u/Picocure