There are many reasons why people might find themselves in a toliamorous dynamic, even if it’s not their preferred relationship structure.
On the one hand, some cultures recognize that lifelong monogamy is unrealistic and believe extramarital sex is likely, “but it should be kept discreet so people can save face and maintain the public appearance of monogamy,” Thouin said, citing stereotypes about the French as an example.
“Furthermore, societies where gender equality is less advanced tend to have dual standards when it comes to these expectations: women are expected to tolerate their husbands’ infidelity, while remaining monogamous,” she added.
Socioeconomic status also plays a role in toliamor. If a woman is financially or socially dependent on her male partner, “she will be more likely to ‘tolerate’ a unilateral infidelity, because the alternative (leaving and finding herself single) is worse,” Thouin said.
“However, in more socially progressive societies, women are rapidly closing the ‘infidelity gap,’ meaning that, ironically, everyone is more likely to end up in a toliamorous dynamic.”
Still, while nonmonogamy has become more common, it is still largely considered taboo in the United States, a society that rewards monogamous couples and often stigmatizes singleness and nonmonogamy.
Yau said some toliamorous couples may be thinking, “I don’t want to create the impression that I’m promiscuous or that I’m going to spread sexually transmitted diseases or that I’m destroying the marriage and the family or whatever, so I’m going to pretend that we’re actually monogamous and keep up appearances. And if my partner sees other people, I, at least, can preserve my innocence by pretending it’s not happening.”
Existence Toliamor’s case shows how unwilling many people are to communicate openly in their relationships and how fearful they are of expressing their true desires to their partner, Yau said.
And ending a relationship is often quite complicated, so it’s no wonder that many couples practice toliamor instead of breaking up.
“People depend on each other for mutual care, financial security and emotional security,” Thouin said. “And even when power dynamics are healthy and equal, leaving relationships is often very costly, both materially and personally.”
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.